If I Had A Diary
by Britchiche
Summary: Thoughts from both Matthew and Destiny.
1. Chapter 1

1/24/11 - 5/5/11

It's the weirdest feeling. We've been best friends for years. We hug and lean on each other all the time. She's always been there for me actually. I don't know what I'd do, or where I'd be without her.

But then there she was, staring up at me with this look in her eyes that I'd never seen before, and for some reason I wanted to kiss her. I don't know why.

So we kissed.  
>Even weeks after it happened I thought about it. It was a nice distraction from my problems.<p>

Then one night she stormed in, crying and talking 100mph like she usually does when she's panicked. Why does she always blame herself for things that aren't her fault? I told her the truth, half scared that she'd walk out the door as soon as she knew it. She didn't. In fact, she told me she'd never leave me. We must've stared at each other for an hour after that. I went along with this feeling in me, and we kissed again.

That's when she tried to leave. Said something about us "being friends", I don't know.  
>I must've freaked or something because I heard myself tell her to stay, and felt my hand take hers, and lead her to my room.<br>Next thing I know, my shirt is on the floor and she's tugging at my hair and my thoughts are spinning too fast to make sense. I didn't care about going to court, or my parents walking in on us. I was just focused on her. How much I wanted her. Every curve, every breath, every drop of sweat, I needed.

I woke up to the sound of zipping and a silhouette of her walking away, heels in hand. She won't answer my calls, return my texts. Nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

5/31/11

I feel lost. With all the hospitalizations my family has seen, I should know this ICU inside-out with my eyes closed. Still I feel so lost.

I'm asking the classic questions I know they can't answer, and keeping these people from doing their jobs.

But his skin. It was the scary kind of pale, his bandages were bleeding  
>pink, and my God he wouldn't even look at me. I should stop talking. I should somehow stop the panicking, for his parent's sake. Hold me someone, anyone.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

6/9/11

I remember how hard it was with Shaun and Greg. There were times I felt alone, like I had no one, and then he'd show up. Every time it got hard to breathe, I'd turn around and see him wheeling towards me with this worried smile on his face. Sometimes he'd bring something from the cafeteria. Other times he'd have finished homework I forgot the due dates to. Each time he'd tell me he was sorry.

And just when we started to get closer...

But I'm not here to cry. I'm here to help him. It's my turn to look worried and serious, and hold his hand to remind him I'm here.

I know him. We all do. He'll be off of these machines, and back on the basketball courts in no time.


	4. Chapter 4

12/18/2011

I should call her. No, that'll just make me look pathetic... more pathetic. But she thinks I'm a jerk. Plus her family hates me. Bonus. She probably already thinks a dead beat dad. _Dad_. I can't be that. I don't even know how to start thinking about that. But I'm gonna have be one anyway, from the looks of it. Ugh, I just got out of a goddamned coma. I want my life back! My life before Eddie, and the Fords and Dani and... well, I mean, I just want to _have_ a life- one I have SOME control of. And what the hell, I was just trying to be honest with her. Suddenly I'm the bad guy? I'm not supposed to say how I feel? What did I say in the first place? What was she so angry about? This is confusing, and actually scary. Of course David's not picking up, figures. I have no one left to talk to. Can't go to my parents, that's for sure. Maybe Uncle Clint? No. Bad idea. She hates me, doesn't she? Did she say that she did? She said didn't want to speak to me. Maybe she didn't mean it. Maybe I could just call her.

12/19/2011

I should've seen this coming. I should've known. Isn't this what always happens? It's like he has this hold on me, and he's just been stringing me along with it for 2 years. And I let him. What is wrong with me? And I always, ALWAYS make excuses for him. I'm the one who has to roll with it, I'm the one that gets hurt, and I'm the one who always ends up looking like an idiot. Stupid enough to think that he actually cared about me. I am NOT going to cry. I won't. I'm not playing this anymore. I know this must be a lot for him to deal with, but this baby is still coming. I can't raise her AND try to comfort Matthew. She deserves more than that. So, I wanted answers. I got them. I won't wait for him to "come around". We'll be fine. This baby and I, we can survive without Matthew Buchanan.


End file.
